Everyone has their own way to praise their God, so do I. When people out there really praise their God by doing the-routine-ceremonies, honestly, I don’t do that. Don’t worry! I still believe in God. I believe He does really exist. I believe He is real. I just don’t do such kind of ceremonies. For me, religion is not the first thing that comes up in my spiritual life, but still, I believe in God. God is here, in my heart, and never goes away. Try to be honest, I have no good relationship with God.
I have no good relationship with God in my present life, but in the past, I do have it. When I was in my childhood, my grandma told me that I had to go to mosque everyday to learn more about “religion.” There, I learnt more about how to blame on other religion and believes, perfectly. My ustadz told me that Islam is the best religion in the universe. The one who will be Heaven’s resident is only Muslim, not else, only Muslim. How foolish I was that I believed that term. Everyday, when I was in my childhood, I salat regularly, praise my Allah, and also went to the mosque to be indoctrinated. I was taking distance to the one who is non-Muslim. But when I was 7years old, my grandma told me that I shouldn’t go to the mosque again. She said that all the lessons are wrong, totally wrong. She said that God never taught anyone to blame on another no matter what their religion is. She said that God never gave instruction to stay away from those who have different religion from us. It is perfectly okay to make as many as friends during our life, especially when you’re child. Therefore, I stopped learning “religion.”
I have no good relationship with God. Whenever the soap operas tell me to be patient on every worst condition as God will always give the best solution, trust me, I will never do that. I was grown up in a really unreal-such-a-thing-called-family. My father left me and mom when I was 15 months old. At that time, I knew nothing. All I knew were just crying, smiling, and screaming. My mom and I live with my grandma. When I was in my childhood, I believed that I had no father. But when I was in the first year of my elementary school, I knew, perfectly, that my father married another woman. Therefore, I hate him. My grandma always told me to keep on praying to God, praised Him, and asked Him for help. I used to do it. But day by day, month by month, year by year, He gave me nothing but worse condition. My father was drowning in his second-marriage euphoria and forgot on us, mom and me. Therefore, when I was 10 years old, I stopped asking for God’s help as I knew that he would never help me.
I have no good relationship with God. When I was 15 years old, I met a boy who made me believe in God again after a long time. I was falling in love with that guy. His eyes, his lips, his hands, they’re all so interesting. I wanted to know more about him, but I didn’t really want to be caught in a relationship-trap. For me, there’s no good guy in this real life. There are only two kinds of men in my world, asshole and gay. No “Normal Guy” term in my life. They don’t really exist! Trust me. I fell deeper in this boy’s world. I thought I was in love. Yes, love, yes. He made me believe that he was an exist-normal-guy, at the first year of our relationship, only. After that, everyday I praised God for giving a good guy. He made me dancing on table for having a real love with a normal guy. But when he decided to go somewhere in the world, I know one ordinary fact that he was cheating on me during our naïve-relationship. I was so foolish that I couldn’t notice about it. I complained to God for His making me fly high to crush an Airbus.
I have no good relationship with God. I keep on asking why parents don’t get divorced. I always think that if they’re divorced, my mom and I will have a better life with better financial. But then I realize that they will never get divorced. My father doesn’t want to lose one of his companies, his 30% salary, and one of his houses for us when he’s divorced. How realistic my father is! He is richer, and I’m still share a bed with mom. For those who said God is good and God always gives justice and peace for those who always praise Him, please stop saying it! Seriously! It doesn’t happen to me, to my family. Therefore, I have no good relationship with Him.
Although I have no good relationship with God, I still believe in Him. I believe that He does exist. He’s still in my heart. He never goes away. I know it.