// I Have No Good Relationship with God//

Everyone has their own way to praise their God, so do I. When people out there really praise their God by doing the-routine-ceremonies, honestly, I don’t do that. Don’t worry! I still believe in God. I believe He does really exist. I believe He is real. I just don’t do such kind of ceremonies. For me, religion is not the first thing that comes up in my spiritual life, but still, I believe in God. God is here, in my heart, and never goes away. Try to be honest, I have no good relationship with God.

I have no good relationship with God in my present life, but in the past, I do have it. When I was in my childhood, my grandma told me that I had to go to mosque everyday to learn more about “religion.” There, I learnt more about how to blame on other religion and believes, perfectly. My ustadz told me that Islam is the best religion in the universe. The one who will be Heaven’s resident is only Muslim, not else, only Muslim. How foolish I was that I believed that term. Everyday, when I was in my childhood, I salat regularly, praise my Allah, and also went to the mosque to be indoctrinated. I was taking distance to the one who is non-Muslim. But when I was 7years old, my grandma told me that I shouldn’t go to the mosque again. She said that all the lessons are wrong, totally wrong. She said that God never taught anyone to blame on another no matter what their religion is. She said that God never gave instruction to stay away from those who have different religion from us. It is perfectly okay to make as many as friends during our life, especially when you’re child. Therefore, I stopped learning “religion.”

I have no good relationship with God. Whenever the soap operas tell me to be patient on every worst condition as God will always give the best solution, trust me, I will never do that. I was grown up in a really unreal-such-a-thing-called-family. My father left me and mom when I was 15 months old. At that time, I knew nothing. All I knew were just crying, smiling, and screaming. My mom and I live with my grandma. When I was in my childhood, I believed that I had no father. But when I was in the first year of my elementary school, I knew, perfectly, that my father married another woman. Therefore, I hate him. My grandma always told me to keep on praying to God, praised Him, and asked Him for help. I used to do it. But day by day, month by month, year by year, He gave me nothing but worse condition. My father was drowning in his second-marriage euphoria and forgot on us, mom and me. Therefore, when I was 10 years old, I stopped asking for God’s help as I knew that he would never help me.

I have no good relationship with God. When I was 15 years old, I met a boy who made me believe in God again after a long time. I was falling in love with that guy. His eyes, his lips, his hands, they’re all so interesting. I wanted to know more about him, but I didn’t really want to be caught in a relationship-trap. For me, there’s no good guy in this real life. There are only two kinds of men in my world, asshole and gay. No “Normal Guy” term in my life. They don’t really exist! Trust me. I fell deeper in this boy’s world. I thought I was in love. Yes, love, yes. He made me believe that he was an exist-normal-guy, at the first year of our relationship, only. After that, everyday I praised God for giving a good guy. He made me dancing on table for having a real love with a normal guy. But when he decided to go somewhere in the world, I know one ordinary fact that he was cheating on me during our naïve-relationship. I was so foolish that I couldn’t notice about it. I complained to God for His making me fly high to crush an Airbus.

I have no good relationship with God. I keep on asking why parents don’t get divorced. I always think that if they’re divorced, my mom and I will have a better life with better financial. But then I realize that they will never get divorced. My father doesn’t want to lose one of his companies, his 30% salary, and one of his houses for us when he’s divorced. How realistic my father is! He is richer, and I’m still share a bed with mom. For those who said God is good and God always gives justice and peace for those who always praise Him, please stop saying it! Seriously! It doesn’t happen to me, to my family. Therefore, I have no good relationship with Him.

Although I have no good relationship with God, I still believe in Him. I believe that He does exist. He’s still in my heart. He never goes away. I know it.

// The Fear//

There are so many people say that life is about taking lots of chances and experiences failures, but for me, failures cannot be accepted. I always make a high expectation about myself and everything I have to achieve in a period. For me, there is no second chance if you want to know your limit. Doing everything in your daily life as if it is the last chance is a good way to know where you can stand yourself in real life. I remember when someone said “Be brave! Take risks! Nothing can substitute experience.” That is why I never give myself a second chance for everything I do.

I love to be on top. I cannot easily accept second place, I prefer to be on the first because there is only one winner in real life. Being a winner means we need to give extra energy and time to make it comes to reality. To become better at anything in life, you must be prepared to stretch your comfort zone. In my real life, so far, I always get that first place.

Now, I face a reality that I have to accept the second place. I hate when someone else took my first place away. It was like a punch right on my face. I kept on finding the wrong paths I chose that led me to the second place. One night, I lie awake but my head was paralyzed by the storm that kept on rolling in. I could not find the answer why I failed.

In a gloomy morning, a friend of mine told me my ‘sins.’

“Why can’t you accept the reality that you’re not the winner, now?”

“I can’t accept any places except the first!”

“Come on, wake up! Face the truth that sometimes you should give your place to anyone else. Let them feel what you’ve felt before.”

“But it’s so hard for me to do that.”

“Remember, happiness will always be multiplied when it is divided. Now, I think that you should move on, and come back to reality, face your failure. Being the second doesn’t mean you’re the worst.”

“But you know that I always be the top of the top. I cannot easily adapt myself in that second-place.”

“Bloody hell! Just wake up! You told me that I should never waste my time on unimportant things, now let me remind you. Don’t waste your time thinking about what you can’t change. Just start over and be new again, honey.”

“Please tell me, why this happened to me.”

“Simple! It is simply because of your fear. You’re afraid of being something you don’t want.”

“How come?”

“When you listened to your fears, you lost your power. You couldn’t remember what a great person you have been. You were dwelling on your bad thoughts too much and you took a decision based on your fears.”

“Yeah, that’s true. I was always proud of my pride.”

“That’s it, girl. Now, it is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.”

***

In everytime, we need someone who can tell us the good and the worst of us, and they are the true friend of us. I will only surround myself with only people who are going to lift me higher. Life is already filled with enough people who want to bring me down.

The greatest mistake I can make in life is to continually fear that I will make one. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I learn, but it is not a failure :)